Thursday, February 16, 2012

Josh

So, as you no doubt already know, I recently teamed up with Josh, the author of the blog Nightlight Laser Dilemma. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that you don't need any context for that, since of course you all follow his blog religiously and know exactly who I'm talking about.

Anyway, it turns out that we were in the same area, so we decided to meet up with one another.

Scene: the local cafe.

Blue Canary: So hi.

Josh: Hi.

BC: How's it going?

J: Eh. Just got back from Memphis.

BC: Oh right, that whole Memphis fiasco. That was messed up.

J: It was.

BC: I mean, they were--

J: I don't want to talk about it.

BC: But the Slender Man--

J: I don't want to talk about it.

(Ah, but of course you all know the story already, since it's detailed on Josh's blog)

BC: So how's Sally?

J: Her head exploded.

BC: Oh yeah.

Anyway, the conversation was all awkward after that. The point is that I'm traveling with Josh now as part of the SUPER AWESOME SEXY (but totally not gay) CROSSOVER TEAM-UP EXTRAORDINAIRE DUO!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Oh Hell.

I encountered on e of my old coworkers today. A proxy by the name of "Fuccare". He's very smart and sophisticated. Knows Latin.

Anyway, I was just sitting down at a Burger King, ready to eat a delicious burger, when suddenly the windows shatter, there's gunshots, and I hear the unmistakable voice of Fuccare shouting something like "Canem mordet vir!" I have no idea what that means, but I assume it to be something profound.

Anyway, I ducked my under my table until the gunshots stopped, then I peeked out to confirm that he was gone. Then I settled down to start eating...

...and my burger was all shot to hell, and so full of bullets that it had become inedible. DAMN YOU FUCCARE!

Monday, February 13, 2012

It worked! Sort of.

The good news is: it worked. He materialized in the room where I'd laid the trap, clearly drawn by the bait (sorry, Ridley. You sure His Canadian girlfriend is real?). Then I turned on the electromagnets and he flipped out and screamed in pain and all was good.

The bad news is: He used His tentacles to tear holes in the walls and destroy the electromagnets. Also the prostitute is dead. She was going to retire in three days. Terrible tragedy that.

So on the whole I learned that He doesn't like electromagnetism and He is very dangerous. Truly this has been the scientific discovery of the ages. And... hold on.

Yeah, I just went back to check, and all the Playboy magazines are gone.

I wonder if he reads them for the articles?

Laying the Trap

OK, so according to a lot of people, Slender Man doesn't respond well to electromagnetism. Because of course he doesn't. So I've got this room here and I have lined the walls with electromagnets, because I have the resources to do that apparently.

In order to lure Slender Man into the room, I have laid bait. Keeping in mind my theory that he is a jock, the room contains beer, Playboy magazines, a TV turned onto ESPN, and a prostitute I hired to wear a cheerleading outfit and cheer in the corner. She's not that flexible, but I'm hoping that Slendy won't notice that.

You may be thinking that you've seen this experiment performed before. But you haven't. I am an originalist. Also, I'm not an attractive young woman with a dark and troubled past like the other ten people you may be thinking of. I'm an attractive young man with a dark and troubled past. So this is completely different.

Now let's see if I catch any fish.

Any Slenderfish.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

A Confession and a Theory

I have a confession to make: I am not really a light. I just saw that a lot of people were calling themselves lights and I wanted to belong. I am sorry for the deception.

And now I shall share with you my theory on the true nature of Slender Man.

It's obvious when you think about it: The Runners: What trait is common among them? What is the thread that connected them all since before the Slender Man even started stalking them? Think carefully, I'm sure you'll notice it, what with their Kingdom Hearts references and their Doctor Who jokes and their Shinn Asuka avatars...

That's right, Runners are nerds.

Or geeks, depending on how you define these terms. I have no intention of starting that argument.

Anyway, this fact leads us to one inevitable conclusion: The Slender Man is a jock, hunting down and picking on the nerds. Judging by his body type, I'd say he's most likely a basketball player.

So there you have it: The TRUE nature of Slender Man revealed.

Also: I really like to use colons.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The Beginning

How did this all begin? How did I first work for that monster?

Simple. He was after my neighbor's dog. I loved that dog. It was so fluffly and friendly and it gave me doggy kisses whenever I stopped to pet it. I couldn't just stand there and let the Slender Man take that dog. So I made a deal: I would work for him in exchange for the dog's safety. He accepted.

The dog died anyway. Turns out Eldritch Abominations aren't very trustworthy.

So I found myself trapped, forced to be a monster for the monster. But then one day, this runner I was supposed to tear the fingernails off of, she asked me... "don't you want to be good?"

And I thought about it, and I said, "yes."

And then we ran away together, and we fell in love, and all was wonderful.

But then some proxies killed her in a drive-by.

So I was left alone, sitting in an empty hotel room. I had no idea what to do. I decided to just pay the hotel bill and leave, since my love was taken from me.

The hotel manager was murdered before I could pay him.

And now here I am, prepared to fight back against Slender Man and his proxies.

I... I shall REDEEM myself.

I Fight For the Users

Once I was a proxy.

Once I served the Slender Man.

Once I killed and destroyed in his name.

Once I called runners insulting names.

Once I failed to look both ways when crossing the street.

Once I stepped on the grass where there was a "keep off of grass" sign.

Once I returned a video to the video rental store without rewinding it first.

BUT NO MORE!

I am redeemed! I fight for the good of the Runners now! I have become a good guy through the power of love (it burns, oh god, the pain)!

I AM.....

....BLUECANARYINTHEOUTLETBYTHELIGHTSWITCHLIGHT